Internal and external conflict

Here’s a link to a wonderful video (click on picture)

It’s the forth (out of four) parts and it’s the most relevant to my work about conflicts. Although the whole series and this clip in particular, deals with spiritually, it emphasis a fundamental truth: all conflicts in the external world stem from one in the internal one.

Hence, one own spiritual journey of quieting his mind goes hand in hand with managing his conflicts in the external world. Internal work will influence the external environment and external action will nourish the internal beingness.

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Mental accounting

In my former post I’ve mentioned that I’m writing my 7th book about negotiation manipulations. I’m delighted to say that I’ve finished the book and it is expected to be out by the end of January 2014.

One of the manipulations that I’ve included in the book is based on the phenomenon called Mental Accounting. Mental accounting makes human classify expenses differently and hence leads to irrational decision making.

Here’s a description of an experiment conducted by the two psychologists Amos Tversky Daniel Kahneman, I describe in the book, to illustrate how dumb (o.k. ‘naive’…) human beings are:

Imagine you paid 10$ for a theater ticket. At the the

ater’s entrance you discover that you’ve lost the ticket. The seats are unmarked and you can’t get a refund. Will you pay 10$ for another ticket?

46% said they would spend the 10$ on a second ticket and 54% said they wouldn’t.

Another group of people was asked a similar question: you’ve decided to go the theater and you know that the ticket’s price is 10$. At the theater’s entrance you discover that you’ve lost a 10$ note that you had in your wallet. Will you pay 10$ for the ticket?

88% said they would and 12% said they wouldn’t!

Cash flow wise the situations are identical, mentally they are not.

I claim in the book that understanding these human traits will boost your negotiation abilities.

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Writing in process: Negotiation manipulations

I would like to share with you the fact that I’m currently working on a new book on the subject of negotiation manipulation.

Here’s an unedited few paragraphs
from the book

Imagine you are in the following situation: a strategic client calls you asking that you’ll take off 5% off your product price, “It’s been a tough year and we really need to cut our costs” he explains his request. You were anticipating this call so you’ve done your homework and your manager already approved even a higher reduction of 7%. What will you do/say to your client?

Will you give him what he asked – a 5% reduction or will you light your hallow and tell him you can give him more than he asked and offer the 7% reduction or…?

I’ve presented this scenario in many of my workshops – whether the title was negotiation skills or selling techniques and whether the audience was businessmen, professionals in organization or managers – and all rejected the 7% option. The main reason people stated for doing so was that they run a business for profit and there is no justification of cutting their profit margins for the sake of ‘good day deeds’. An acceptable point of view yet there is another justification to withholding the 7% option from your client: retaining his satisfaction. Step into the client shoes for a second and notice how you feel if your account manager tells you “You know, are we’re willing to give you a higher reduction than what you’ve asked – we’re willing to take off extra 2% and give you a 7% discount! what do you say?”… I bet you would have been happy for about 5 minutes but then the following annoying thought would have probably crawled into your head: “if they were willing to give me an extra discount, what does that mean about their marginal profit per unit? It defiantly means that they rip me off!”

So, not only that you’ve given your client more than he wanted, cutting by that your marginal profit, he also feels he was cheated!

The book is expected at the end of January 2014.

In the meanwhile, I invite you to have a look at my Amazon e-book shelf:

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The secret of collaboration

Look at the following clip – how did the team changed all 4 wheels in less than 4 seconds?

The Secret of collaboration – Clip I

Amazing is it?

And, what is the secrete that enabled the team to finish the task so quickly? The answer is simple: each of the individuals did only what he was suppose to be doing. Collaboration – and the highest form of it: harmony – is consisted of individuals that work indecently of one another. When each does what, and only what, he’s suppose to be doing, his actions weave into the ‘cooperation quilt’.

The following movie, which is as amazing, demonstrates the same principle:

The Secret of collaboration – Clip II

In my book – Win More Compromise Less – I’ve claimed that the familiar Win – Win notion is not the most effective way to facilitate collaboration. I claim, and the two clips prove that, that stable collaboration is based on selfishness – of each individual maximizing his/her own utility.

Indeed, in order to create a harmonized organization, each individual’s utility animation needs to be defined in a way that it fits the ‘cooperation quilt’.

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The ego and conflict

For a decade I’m occupied with the question: What do humans need to learn in order to dramatically and permanently decrease the number of conflicts in their life.

I pride myself (pride… who said ego?) for creating a simple yet powerful confrontational situation kit. Thousands of people who underwent my training or bought my on-line materials have told me so. Yet, a troubling feeling nested in me that something is missing in the equation.

Now I understand that the only way to create a fundamental long last change in one’s ability to manage conflicts, or more accurately said, to limit there number and intensity so the need to manage them decrease because there is less of what to manage, goes through dissolving one’s ego.

I must admit that up until recently I haven’t spent much thought about the involvement of ego in conflicts. Why? Well, I can think of three reasons for that.

First, I feel that ‘Ego’ is one of these too commonly used words that are being used any time we encounter a stubborn person or try to explain an irrational behavior.

Ego might be the reason in both of these examples yet, and that’s the second reason I’ve refrained from investigating it, I felt up until recently that the word ‘ego’ prevent a more in depth observation.

The third reason was that associating ego with conflict seemed so obvious that it wasn’t worth pondering; I mean “ego and conflicts? O.k., tell me something I don’t know”. I was oblivious to the roll of ego in conflicts so such a degree that in the first version of TheOtherDoor – the 1,500 pages e-book I wrote about the subject – I dedicated less than half of a page to the ego.


So, my current project is an e-book which is (temporarily) called the Edo of Conflict.

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Meet: Jade (from the Jade’s life Skill portal)

In almost every workshop I’ve conducted about confrontational skills – whether conflicts, negotiations, difficult conversation, sales etc – In the last 16 years I’ve heard one of the participants say “Gosh, if only I’ve known this skill a few years back…”.

I guess hearing these sentences repeatedly planted and nourished the idea of a life skills for kids site.

That’s how I came to creating the Jade’s Life Skills portal which is about to become the home of theoretical material accompanied with activities kit to help parents teach their kids life skills.

What are life skills? What products currently available on site and how one can get a fee guide on helping him/her teach their kid about life skills? can be found in the site –

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The Wisdom of Surrender

In the last few months I've started detecting spiritual threads in my conflict resolution – management and negotiation theory.
This gradual shift can be seen in my book – The Matrix of Conflict – that went out on July this year. In this book I speak about the fact the Conflicts are the result of our less managed parts.
One's ability to freely go in and out of view points – as apposed to clinging into one view point and hence creating the conflict – is in direct correlation with one's spiritual abilities.
An interesting lecture about the art of letting go – surrender as he calls it – is the one given by Eckhart Tolle. Although Tolle doesn't speak about confrontational situations, I believe that who ever listens can easily duplicate his ideas to confrontational environment.
The Wisdom of Surrender - Eckhart Tolle:
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“Win More, Compromise Less – A Better Alternative To The Win-Win Approach” – a new book by Asaf Shani

I’m happy to announce that my 6th book was released a few weeks ago!

In the book “Win More, Compromise Less – A Better Alternative To The Win-Win Approach” is share my conclusion about the faultiness of the Win-Win approach – how it comes short in helping disputing parties to collaborate, how it can be used to a shrewd counterpart and how it leads to unnecessary compromises.

I offer my I Win approach; created based on my 16 years in the field as a conflict resolution, conflict management and negotiation consultant, which is a by far better starting point to any confrontational situation.

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Amanda Palmer TED lecture: connection, devotion, empowerment, opening up, letting go…

One of the best TED lecture I’ve seen. The artist Amanda Palmer speaks about bonding – so trivial, authentic and true. While hearing her, I felt strange. Strange, in the sense that I’ve realized how differently one conducts his daily life, how trapped I am in competitive – anal (“Mine!”) way of thinking.

I could see the relevance of what she says to my field of work – she talked about letting go, communication, asking, opening up to other people, respecting their right to choose, making them do what you want them to do by simply connecting to them and hence allowing them to choose…

I was Thrilled by the way she let’s go (way before she shares the fact that she’d let fans draw on her body…), leave in the moment, touch people.

A very inspiring talk that can affect the way one communicates with his children, spouse, peers and the stranger in the street.

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The fiction of our memory

While working on my last e-book The Matrix Of Conflict – - I’ve encountered again the work of Memory scholar Elisabeth Loftus.

Loftus proves in her pioneering work that the human memory is a dynamic thing – changes in order that we’ll have a feeling of coherency.

Here’s a link to a lecture she’d given in a TED global lecture:

During conflicts, we relay on our memories even more. It’s survival supporting, at least in Mother Nature’s eyes, to have our memory at our immediate disposal so we’ll be able to use in order to understand FAST what to do.

If the human memory is not as trustable as we would like to think, let alone in conflicts when our whole perception is tilted, how does that affect our conflict resolution and management abilities?

To summer it this idea, in Loftus’s own words: “Most people cherish their memories,” says Loftus. “But I know from my work just how much fiction is already in there.”

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